rant: to be avoided

i'm just going to write what's going on in my head because i feel that i have no one in my hometown that i can talk to honestly or that's worth a shit. all of my best friends except for one fucking human live incredibly far away. i mean, fuck, what are blogs for if not for ranting?

i'm tired of people in asheville being so puritanical and uptight. i'm tired of people judging me without knowing the slightest thing about me. i'm tired of people, whom i stupidly assume are similar to me because of the music they like or the way they dress, getting offended by the offensive. it's bullshit! do they not read? (new idea for knuckle tattoos: "read more". that way, when i punch people, hopefully via a non-existent mental form of diffusion they'll learn something.)

why am i the way i am? because it offends, revolts, or makes squares think about how shitty their boring lives are. what is this subculture coming to?!?! erg.

i don't know what happened to me. i went on a drinking binge this weekend and feel like a total little shit. i acted like i was when i was young and reckless. it felt so good! i allowed jeremy's judgment effect my self-consciousness in an extremely negative way. i had forgotten how much i liked to make people feel incredibly awkward and uncomfortable. from now on i'm referring to jeremy as mr. no-fun pants. all that i gather from the past two years is feeling shitty for being myself.


i mistakenly, due to advice given to me by various people, hooked up with a supposed decent acquaintance on his birthday and it was the most awkward, bizarre, weird experience i think i've ever had with a dude. i wish it never happened and we could just go back to being friends. i like it better when my male friends think of me as another dude instead of some hot metal chick. i've tried to make the situation less awkward because i'd rather not just cut him out of my life completely, like i would normally do, but instead of us just being buds like we were, he's treating me like i was just a piece of ass. relationships are fucking futile! just a bit of advice, when a girl asks you to play municipal waste because she is obviously very uncomfortable because she just got out of a fucked up relationship and you know that she's had a ridiculously fucked up year, do not put on echo and the fucking bunnymen! i'd really rather not fuck to something that reminds me of depeche mode the first time i hook up with someone. sex should be fun and exciting, not like fucking to fat bob whining about a fucking caterpillar (side note: i do like the cure for other occasions). or if you hook up with a metal head, expect that she's gonna know what the fuck rue morgue magazine is! jesus! i. play. with. dead. things. so from that, please surmise that i'm going to be a horror movie fanatic too. shit fucker tank ass mother fucking piece of turd laying on a slice of bread!

but i guess it didn't really help that sharon and i broke into his apartment at 4 am solely to ogle at his record collection while he was in jail for a dui. we were really tanked (obviously) and i can somehow rationalize our behavior because if i had such a massive record collection: 1) i wouldn't leave my windows open if i lived downtown, and 2) i'd probably be kind of honored if some hot dude i just slept with broke into my house solely to listen to my records instead of just wanting a piece of ass.

whatever. i'm over it. i might as well retreat back into my solitude instead of bothering with society. thanks matt for making me feel even more shitty about men. asshole.

erg. i don't talk to people enough to have good enough social skills to deal with live humans.

i guess i just feel that no one gives a shit about me in asheville. and now everyone is going to think that i'm some super crazy girl that should be avoided. and it sucks because i'm reevaluating every choice i've made in the past two years and thinking that i've wasted a good two years of my young life on someone that i loved but treated me like shit.

i thought i was happy and then i had to go and screw it up by fucking some dude that i thought was my friend. good form.